Mom is Trippin' Over Stupid Shit

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- My mom choked me, now my neck is swollen because she asked me if I learned my lesson from going to my Former Sr. Pastor's house -BlahBlahBlah- She was mad that I almost had my Sr. Pastor's son drive to my home -BlahBlahBlah- My mom hates him (Ty) because he said "Damn what the hell" to me because I tapped him on the shoulder during church service -BlahBlahBlah- she hates him; Because he said he loved me, and my sister recorded me dancing, and you can see him staring at me (I danced for my church as well with a studio.) She saw it, and it made her upset. I think it's because he's white and I'm black -BlahBlahBlah- She said if I don't act better she's sending me to the military prep school, And not letting me graduate until 2013; I don't care-BlahBlahBlah- I like the Army. -BlahBlahBlah- My sister made a habit of cussing out girls she did not know like on a fashion version of face-book from the ages of 14-17 -BlahBlahBlah- She gets anything she asks without working. Not complaining, just want to know what to do. -BlahBlahBlah-



Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Sometimes moms choke their kids. It's not right... it just is.

Call CPS if you're feeling threatened.

Your sister isn't the pretty one, which is why she seems to get away with everything.

Your mom doesn't hate your former pastor's son because he's white.

Your mom probably knows the dirt that turned your former pastor into your FORMER pastor, and she hates his son because he's likely to get you pregnant.

The smart money will bet that you've probably been raised to be terrified of sex.

The reason your mom's iron fist seems so unjust is because she can't just sit down and say "look, I've been watching men leer at you since you were 12, so my number one mission is to keep you off the dick."

Your mom has the good sense to know that she needs to keep her actions and her motives completely disconnected so that you don't have that realization that your booty is as coveted as she fears.

The moment you mix the realization that you're stacked, with the concept that sex might be terrific, you -simply by default- will be waste deep in a world, hell-bent on tricking you into thinking that you can qualify/quantify your self worth by letting a fool hit it.



My advice to you: Apply to the air force, with the navy as your fall back.

Fussy Over His Laconic Texts

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- We met three weeks ago and hit it off tremendously. He asked for my number. We've hung out about six times. -BlahBlahBlah- Maybe after the third week of hanging out he started becoming more quiet and I started becoming more open and flirty. -BlahBlahBlah- He flirts some but he mostly seems "whatever". -BlahBlahBlah- When we texted yesterday he basically called me cute, -BlahBlahBlah- I said I liked him "subliminally" through the question game, and he said he liked me back. -BlahBlahBlah- He said he loved talking to me and I always made him smile. -BlahBlahBlah- what concerned me was he said "lol" after alot of things and ":P". -BlahBlahBlah- He told me he struggles with relationships due to his insomnia but he never indicated he was shy, just that he liked staying in. But after those texts last night, he was the last one to respond and he hasn't texted since. It's only been a day and he usually just texts at night... but that bothers me too. I feel like i'm the last thought on his mind. I need a complete, realistic response to my question. -BlahBlahBlah- I'm 18 and he's 21. I'm a senior in highschool and he's in college. -BlahBlahBlah-





Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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You're 18 years old and you think you can accomplish things subliminally?
That makes sense because you're stupid.

This all reads like he probably didn't know you were in high school when he got your number. Two other things he's probably learned about you are that you're stupid, and you're boring.

Being boring is something a girl like you can get away with for the next 5 years, so don't sweat that. And please, don't go out and do something like getting a tattoo to try and fix it; that won't work.

Being stupid is your biggest problem.
Let's examine this statement: "I need a complete, realistic response to my question."

You didn't ask a fucking question.
Does that help illuminate why his use of "lol," and ":p" might seem off script?

Your conflict is apparent because stupid-fussy-girl is a universal language on par with square roots in mathematics: the determined value is either positive or negative and can't be discovered without an incentive to do a bunch of work.

This guy is indifferent because he knows that what you want is not aligned with what he wants.

The irony is that in 6 months, we'll be able to look back upon how little sex he's had with his peers, which will make the dismal 3 months of baby-steps and butt sniffing, with you, totally worth having a fly, soaking wet, 18 year old coming over on Sunday afternoons to bang.

Now it's obvious that you're not sexting nor sending dirty pics, because if you were you wouldn't be having this issue.

It's totally fine if you're too much of a prude to be building sexual tension with this guy, but you have to produce some sort of value in that department.



My advice to you: Wait until Monday to text him, and when you do, ask "Did you get lucky this weekend?"

Sexual Stage Fright

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- The last two guys I have tried to sleep with have had performance anxiety and have been unable to perform. I am starting to take it personally. What can I do to get this pussy off the pedestal?

Frustrated


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Sounds like you already know the solution to this problem.

You need to jump off that pedestal and drop to your knees.

There are a bunch of reasons why a guy might be unable to bang, performance anxiety being only one of them. Are you confident that you should be ruling out booze and your hygiene?

Honestly - and I'm only saying this because sometimes it doesn't hit home unless you hear it from a stranger - ... you might stink, girl.

Seriously, two guys in a row?

There's a breath test you can do by passing a spoon across your tongue and smelling the spoon.

Now, it's unethical to tell the internet that sticking a spoon in a vagina is how a girl can determine if she stands out in an olfactory sense; some of you are fucking idiots, and for brevity's sake, lets just say there are complications that could affect your health.

(Honestly though, if you have enough forethought to use a CLEAN spoon, then you'll probably be fine. You might want to consider using a slotted spoon to reduce the chances of it getting suctioned to your inner walls. And don't try it at school. Again: DO NOT TRY IT AT SCHOOL.)

I suppose you can use a finger, but I don't want you walking around thinking that she smells like Vera Wang's Velvety Body Lotion, when she actually doesn't.

Are you meeting these guys at Toastmasters meetings? That would explain how you've defied the odds of this happening twice in a row with two different men.

Either way, lets review the 4 causes of performance anxiety.

-Fear of Failure

This could be a factor if you're hot and/or in a position of power over these men.

-Fear of Embarrassment

If his friends are in the room, politely ask them to leave.

-Hyper Focus

Try telling some jokes to lighten the mood.

-Uncertainty

... ... ... spoon test.

No matter how deeply we explore this, the cure-all exists within the initial suggestion.

My advice to you: Learn to suck a dick, girl.

Stringing Her Along

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I met my ex about 3 months ago, -BlahBlahBlah- I was pasty and was a little overweight. I was nice to her, I just didn't make her a priority. -BlahBlahBlah- I didn't take her on a lot of dates, never bought her flowers or chocolate and never gave her anything. -BlahBlahBlah- We'd have sex a lot and she made the comment that we spend too much time in the bedroom. The week before we broke up we seemed fine -BlahBlahBlah- She started crying after she told me she wanted to break up. -BlahBlahBlah- It's ben two weeks since we last spoke but yesterday I sent her a -BlahBlahBlah- coffee as friends. She was a little flirty and then said "yeah that sounds good :)". -BlahBlahBlah- I've lost 21 pounds since she saw me last, am tan and am willing to show her that I can be a good guy but I first need to finish fixing myself. -BlahBlahBlah- I want to keep her as a friend but how do I keep her from moving on??




Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Dude, I don't know if that timeline was off by several months, but that's a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time.
Congrats on the tan, brah.

I don't know if you caught this, but she dumped you because you were inattentive.
She cried when she dumped you because you failed to go "No baby, I'll try harder."

Do you really think that she'll be manipulated against her better judgement because you're thin and bronze now?

I can't say if the root of your shitty-ness is the people who surround you, or perhaps the TV that you watch, but you're a self consumed fucker, who probably can't "fix" himself in less than the 3 months that she's already waited for you.

Already knowing that she's not going to put up with your bullshit, what you need to do is juggle between your self obsession, and her need to be valued in a relationship.

My advice to you: Tell her your grandma died, and you don't want to be alone... but when you do want to be alone, tell her you need some space to grieve. She'll probably fall for that.

Who is Legally Responsible for My Teen's Baby?

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- Is there a website or -BlahBlahBlah- to find out exactly what my legal obligations and rights are as a new grandparent? -BlahBlahBlah- 16yr old daughter with a 9mos. old baby -BlahBlahBlah- both live with me -BlahBlahBlah- she refuses to tell me who she thinks the father is so that we can try to get some type of financial support? -BlahBlahBlah- I have an idea of who it might be, -BlahBlahBlah- I need to know how I would go about legally proceeding with something like this? -BlahBlahBlah- Since I am legally still responsible for my daughter until she is 18yrs. of age, does that mean that I am also just as responsible for my grandchild until then as well?? -BlahBlahBlah-



Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Look bitch,
If you're not up to taking care of your daughter and her baby, then it doesn't matter what your rights and obligations are.

It sounds like you'll be able to take care of your daughter and her baby for the next couple of years... but you're just pissed about having to work harder.

In most states, legally, this is on par with your kid poking another kid's eye out with a stick from the playground. It's your problem.

In most states, it's your problem if your teen daughter has a child; you're responsible. I can't say for sure that an eye-poke, on the playground, sets legal precedent in a case where your daughter's vagina was poked, in some residential construction site, but I'm pretty sure that if the father is named on the birth certificate (and by some stroke of luck, he's still a minor) his parents will be just as much on the hook.

Judging by your abuse of the question-mark, I think that what you truly seek is a solution to this conflict that would require as little effort from you as possible.



My advice to you: Put your daughter, and her baby, into foster care. It will give her and her baby a proper home, and you'll be able to go back to whatever it was you were doing when your daughter was getting fucked in the streets. It's a win/win scenario... unless she figures out how to emancipate herself... then it's just a win for you.

Another: Parents Hate My Baby Daddy

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my parents loved my babys dad at the time and they let him move in. And then when my son was born, he became sort of different and not the best father -BlahBlahBlah- not a good boyfriend -BlahBlahBlah- my parents kicked him out -BlahBlahBlah- we broke up. -BlahBlahBlah- my son is turning 2 next month, and my babys dad -BlahBlahBlah- truly belive he has changed and i love him -BlahBlahBlah- I truly believe we could be happy again. -BlahBlahBlah- son needs his father -BlahBlahBlah- he is not seeing him a lot now because i live with my parents. My parents are threatening to not pay for my college, take my car away that they bought, possible kick me out and not be here for me ever again. -BlahBlahBlah- now i am basically behind their back with him trying to figure something out. -BlahBlahBlah- i love my son and want the best for him and i feel that since my parents can provide for him then i should be here. But dont i deserve to be happy too? -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Nope, you do not deserve to be happy too.

You would deserve to be happy if you could find happiness within this sweet deal you're getting from your parents.

This has already been fucking covered.

"You deserve to be happy," is what a counselor says to you when you carry around a bunch of negative baggage. You won't hear a counselor say "You deserve to be happy - and gee - if trying to weigh your happiness against your family's wishes and baby's best interest, is bumming you out, then fuck it! Shit all over your network of support and go roll the dice with the guy who's already let you down."

Your priorities are fucked. Your reasoning is fucked. Your attitude towards your situation is reasonable for a girl your age. The-kid-needs-a-father bullshit is covered by your dad, and if your baby's dad is not coming over to visit, it's either because he's a lazy piece of shit, who doesn't make time to visit, or he's a corrosive piece of shit who has been 86'd by our parents.

My advice to you: Invent a pill that turns babies into puppies, or focus your energy away from your dirt-bag-baby-daddy and towards gaining some independence so your parents won't need to worry about your decision making.

Should I Text Him?

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- cologne-drenched shopper approached me -BlahBlahBlah- asked me out "for ice cream." I told him -BlahBlahBlah- we could meet later if he wanted. -BlahBlahBlah- first date ended up being breakfast, -BlahBlahBlah- a ride in his canoe. -BlahBlahBlah- pouring on the romance, -BlahBlahBlah- He would have slept with me too, on the first date, but I wouldn't let him. -BlahBlahBlah- I haven't heard from him since our 3rd date several days ago. Do you think he is a player who just gave up because it was too much work to seduce me? -BlahBlahBlah- I found him insanely attractive -BlahBlahBlah- I wonder if I should just casually text him -BlahBlahBlah- re. if he wants to get together 'later'? -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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I'm not saying that a girl is boring if she's the type that sits around waiting to over-analyze a guy's next move. But, it is pretty boring to date a girl who does that.

True, you've only been on three dates... why lift a finger, right?

If a guy is dating you to get himself in front of you then you can look forward to 3 pretty good dates. After that, he's out of gas.

I can't say whether that sex rule, known as the "3 Date Rule,"is limited to three dates because guys run out of gusto by the third date, or if perhaps a guy's gusto is only charged for 3 dates because of the rule. Either way, it is what it is.

You find this guy insanely attractive, you're not sure if you should text him, and you haven't fucked him yet.

What are you, a fucking princess?

I'm not saying that you owe the guy sex but if you're not letting on that you might be dtf, then you've exceeded the cap.

This doesn't mean the guy is opposed to kicking it with you, but if he is a player, he probably stopped reading into you when you broke $160.

My advice to you: Get a bottle and a board game, and invite him over for an In-Call. (Not Scrabble... your turns probably take too fucking long.)