Stringing Her Along

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I met my ex about 3 months ago, -BlahBlahBlah- I was pasty and was a little overweight. I was nice to her, I just didn't make her a priority. -BlahBlahBlah- I didn't take her on a lot of dates, never bought her flowers or chocolate and never gave her anything. -BlahBlahBlah- We'd have sex a lot and she made the comment that we spend too much time in the bedroom. The week before we broke up we seemed fine -BlahBlahBlah- She started crying after she told me she wanted to break up. -BlahBlahBlah- It's ben two weeks since we last spoke but yesterday I sent her a -BlahBlahBlah- coffee as friends. She was a little flirty and then said "yeah that sounds good :)". -BlahBlahBlah- I've lost 21 pounds since she saw me last, am tan and am willing to show her that I can be a good guy but I first need to finish fixing myself. -BlahBlahBlah- I want to keep her as a friend but how do I keep her from moving on??




Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Dude, I don't know if that timeline was off by several months, but that's a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time.
Congrats on the tan, brah.

I don't know if you caught this, but she dumped you because you were inattentive.
She cried when she dumped you because you failed to go "No baby, I'll try harder."

Do you really think that she'll be manipulated against her better judgement because you're thin and bronze now?

I can't say if the root of your shitty-ness is the people who surround you, or perhaps the TV that you watch, but you're a self consumed fucker, who probably can't "fix" himself in less than the 3 months that she's already waited for you.

Already knowing that she's not going to put up with your bullshit, what you need to do is juggle between your self obsession, and her need to be valued in a relationship.

My advice to you: Tell her your grandma died, and you don't want to be alone... but when you do want to be alone, tell her you need some space to grieve. She'll probably fall for that.

Can I Just Dump Him Over The Phone?

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I have decided that the guy I've been seeing for 3 months isn't the one for me. -BlahBlahBlah- I want to tell him in person but that means I travel -BlahBlahBlah- then I arrive, dump him and then leave. -BlahBlahBlah- Do you think its acceptable to tell him on the phone? -BlahBlahBlah- how would you prefer to be dumped after 3 months? -BlahBlahBlah- face to face conversation or phone call? He seems pretty keen on me -BlahBlahBlah- I think he might be gutted when I tell him. -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,

-BlahBlahBlah-

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Most guys would prefer that you dump them in person so they can have the chance to talk you out of it.

Dumping in person is the most polite way to do it, but it's not always the most effective.

He plays the hurt role and you find yourself leaving feeling like shit.

The whole scene increases the odds that you'll call him up once you remember WHY you impulsively jumped into a relationship with a dude whom you changed your mind about after three, bland months.

Some guys are actually really good at avoiding getting dumped. They ask you "well what ARE you looking for?"

Then you feel dumb.

Then they give you a perfectly rational description of someone who would provide what they're not providing and ask "something more like that?"

You say "Yes," even though it's been established that you're dumb and don't know what you want.

Then they go "Well baby! I didn't know you were at that level yet. I could be those things for you but I thought we were trying to move slow." Maybe they'll even tack on how they're hesitant to trust you at this point.

Suddenly you feel dumb AND ugly.

The next thing you know, you're in a month long contract to just go with the flow and see what happens "now that we both understand where we're at and what we're looking for."

If you want to put distance between you and this guy, start with distance, and do it over the phone.

Honestly, the most surefire method of dumping a guy is the silent treatment. It works best for two reasons: The first being that he has no say in the matter. The second reason it's so effective is that it's a really shitty way to burn someone and even if he really, really doesn't deserve it, your subconscious will take care of that because your ego can't handle calling itself shitty. Your brain will either convince itself that he did deserve it, or he'll do himself in by grossing you out with lovesick phone bombs.

I'm curious though, are you breaking up with this guy - after three months - because of a deal breaker like violence or substance abuse? Or, are you breaking up with him - after three months - because something about you sucks and you're impulsively, emotionally reckless?

My advice to you: If you're not putting yourself in danger then do it in person so that maybe you'll learn something that'll detour you from shitting on people in the future.

Love and a .45

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- recently me and my boyfriend came home from a night of drinking and we got an an argument -BlahBlahBlah- i poured a beer on him -BlahBlahBlah- next thing i know hes pointing a gun at me -BlahBlahBlah- his friend told him to stop -BlahBlahBlah- and he said im not even pointing it at her face man im pointing it at her knee cap -BlahBlahBlah- his friends left cuz they were freaked out -BlahBlahBlah- what do i do ive been with him for three and a half years and love him alot -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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My motto is, the moment someone threatens you with the muzzle of a gun, you've been given license to kill.

As long as you keep telling people that you love him, you've got no motive. Everything is pretty much in place for you to get away with this.

Just let him get drunk, tell him you've hidden his gun, watch him tear the house apart, then you smash your cellphone and put two in his chest.

The D.A. won't want to touch this case.

The police will show up and see signs of a struggle. The neighbors will report that they heard shit like "bitch, I'll kill you," and "where's my gun?" His friends will testify that they punked out when they saw him point a gun at you. And your smashed cellphone will give you extenuating circumstances because you tried, but couldn't, call for help.

It might not even have to get to that. Maybe your boyfriend won't pop off when you tell him you've hidden his gun, and the two of you will sit down and have a long, serious talk about boundaries and shit. Either way, you'll win if you put this plan into motion.


My advice to you: Try to keep the slugs from punching through the neighbors' wall.

Impulsive Breakup Regret

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I broke up with my bf on a night where i was really stressed out and I hadn't gotten any sleep in two days. And I was PMSing to add to the load. -BlahBlahBlah- He came to my house and canceled his day at work so that he could come and talk to -BlahBlahBlah- I was basically just pushing him away and telling him to leave me alone the whole time. -BlahBlahBlah- When he got home I changed my relationship status on facebook and then he changed his. -BlahBlahBlah- huge paragraph he sent to me on facebook about why i'm a terrible person. -BlahBlahBlah- i blocked him. -BlahBlahBlah- It's been almost a week, and I regret the whole thing. -BlahBlahBlah- I feel like he got over me in one week, when I made a bad decision on one night of carelessness. -BlahBlahBlah- And i'm scared to talk to him because it seems as though he doesn't even care about me anymore -BlahBlahBlah- he deleted me as a friend on facebook -BlahBlahBlah- it would be embarassing for him to readd me. -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Maybe you can have a mutual friend go to him and tell him that you're sorry and that you were tired and periody and you now regret breaking up. Then, you can side step any responsibility in the matter and get what you want!

When you turn into a shitty girlfriend on your period, then you're also a shitty girlfriend 3 whole fucking months a year!

Taking the day off of work to manage you while you were feral with hormones was pretty much the nicest thing he could have done for you. Obviously he already knows that chocolates don't work here because bitchy periods don't take bribes.

I know this might sound insensitive but you should really take a shot at trying to discipline that shit. Your period is not the Bat-phone to the soul; it's a flurry of chemicals which you can't handle nor clearly interpret. I can see how it's easy to make the mistake of thinking that your strong emotions, which some how got aimed at your boyfriend, were real emotions, but they weren't.

Case in point: This huge fuck up.



My advice to you: Try to condition yourself to interpret your PMS as the siren warning you that "OMG! I might never be able to keep a man!"