Another: Parents Hate My Baby Daddy

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my parents loved my babys dad at the time and they let him move in. And then when my son was born, he became sort of different and not the best father -BlahBlahBlah- not a good boyfriend -BlahBlahBlah- my parents kicked him out -BlahBlahBlah- we broke up. -BlahBlahBlah- my son is turning 2 next month, and my babys dad -BlahBlahBlah- truly belive he has changed and i love him -BlahBlahBlah- I truly believe we could be happy again. -BlahBlahBlah- son needs his father -BlahBlahBlah- he is not seeing him a lot now because i live with my parents. My parents are threatening to not pay for my college, take my car away that they bought, possible kick me out and not be here for me ever again. -BlahBlahBlah- now i am basically behind their back with him trying to figure something out. -BlahBlahBlah- i love my son and want the best for him and i feel that since my parents can provide for him then i should be here. But dont i deserve to be happy too? -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Nope, you do not deserve to be happy too.

You would deserve to be happy if you could find happiness within this sweet deal you're getting from your parents.

This has already been fucking covered.

"You deserve to be happy," is what a counselor says to you when you carry around a bunch of negative baggage. You won't hear a counselor say "You deserve to be happy - and gee - if trying to weigh your happiness against your family's wishes and baby's best interest, is bumming you out, then fuck it! Shit all over your network of support and go roll the dice with the guy who's already let you down."

Your priorities are fucked. Your reasoning is fucked. Your attitude towards your situation is reasonable for a girl your age. The-kid-needs-a-father bullshit is covered by your dad, and if your baby's dad is not coming over to visit, it's either because he's a lazy piece of shit, who doesn't make time to visit, or he's a corrosive piece of shit who has been 86'd by our parents.

My advice to you: Invent a pill that turns babies into puppies, or focus your energy away from your dirt-bag-baby-daddy and towards gaining some independence so your parents won't need to worry about your decision making.

Love and a .45

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- recently me and my boyfriend came home from a night of drinking and we got an an argument -BlahBlahBlah- i poured a beer on him -BlahBlahBlah- next thing i know hes pointing a gun at me -BlahBlahBlah- his friend told him to stop -BlahBlahBlah- and he said im not even pointing it at her face man im pointing it at her knee cap -BlahBlahBlah- his friends left cuz they were freaked out -BlahBlahBlah- what do i do ive been with him for three and a half years and love him alot -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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My motto is, the moment someone threatens you with the muzzle of a gun, you've been given license to kill.

As long as you keep telling people that you love him, you've got no motive. Everything is pretty much in place for you to get away with this.

Just let him get drunk, tell him you've hidden his gun, watch him tear the house apart, then you smash your cellphone and put two in his chest.

The D.A. won't want to touch this case.

The police will show up and see signs of a struggle. The neighbors will report that they heard shit like "bitch, I'll kill you," and "where's my gun?" His friends will testify that they punked out when they saw him point a gun at you. And your smashed cellphone will give you extenuating circumstances because you tried, but couldn't, call for help.

It might not even have to get to that. Maybe your boyfriend won't pop off when you tell him you've hidden his gun, and the two of you will sit down and have a long, serious talk about boundaries and shit. Either way, you'll win if you put this plan into motion.


My advice to you: Try to keep the slugs from punching through the neighbors' wall.

Parents Hate My Baby-Daddy

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my parents hate my baby dad,, i am turning 18 in a few days and am a little over a month away from giving birth. -BlahBlahBlah- my baby dad is getting out of jail in 3 days -BlahBlahBlah- trying to do everything he can to make himself a better person by finding a job and getting his G.E.D..
-BlahBlahBlah- my parents are saying if i have any contact with him at all, they will kick me out and take my car away -BlahBlahBlah- this is the worst thing that could happen because i have no where to go -BlahBlahBlah- i cant really sneak around and see him because my parents are physco -BlahBlahBlah-
my baby dad lives in a trailer with his best friend and there is no room for another person -BlahBlahBlah- my baby dad is adopted so the most important thing to him is to be there for his child, -BlahBlahBlah- i love him more then -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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It is sort of unfair that before your folks let you get knocked up by a jail-bound dropout they forgot to mention that they're gonna get all parenty once you have the kid.

Look idiot, you're already making out like a bandit. You get to have a baby, a car and your parents will support you financially. Why would you want to fuck that up?

You might think that getting pregnant and taking abor/doption off the table means that you're grown up, but all it really means is that you're an irresponsible child who's been making shit decisions and bouncing back on your parents' dime.

Sadly, your kid won't have that option, once you tell your parents to fuck off.

Also, your boyfriend couldn't even handle high school. What makes you think he won't drop out of being a parent? Not being able to provide for your child, because your criminal record keeps you from getting a decent job, is pretty fucking embarrassing. How long do you think he's going to do that to himself?


My advice to you: Give your boyfriend a year to get his G.E.D. and find steady work. Your parents will probably be cool with that because they know that in three months he won't have made any progress and hopefully you'll side with the baby's best interest.

In Love with a Younger Girl

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- I'm 20 years old and over the past few months I've been texting and hanging out with this girl -BlahBlahBlah- I've fallen in love -BlahBlahBlah- known her for a little over a year -BlahBlahBlah- I know she likes me, given the way she talks to me and acts around me. -BlahBlahBlah- She's always trying to be close to me -BlahBlahBlah- any excuse to grab my hand or hug me -BlahBlahBlah- The problem with this, she's 15 but I'm honestly in love with her -BlahBlahBlah- I want to have a relationship with her as more than friends, but given all the laws in place to catch pedophiles, I'm just not sure what to do in this situation. -BlahBlahBlah- I personally do not think it's wrong, as I'm not interested in having sex with her or anything. -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Once upon a time in the suburbs, there was a little girl who liked to walk around bare foot in the summers. By the sunny, first week of school, her feet could bare the hottest of blacktops. One school-night, just around dusk, a shard of glass took up residence in her heel and the next morning she awoke with two small cuts on the inside of her opposing ankle. That day at recess, she picked the scabs, drew blood and was excused to the nurse's office for some first aid. The attendance secretary's son was in the office that day, for he had been sent home from Jr. High for acting up. With all the excitement of blood, band-aids and a cute older boy, this little girl acquired a preoccupation with shooting hookey to get out of class in the hopes that she might run into that boy again.
Over the years of cutting class, she maintained this crush, of which he was mildly aware, and one day she worked up the nerve to buy a bag off him at the skate park. He didn't have any sacks, but he offered to smoke her out so they got into his jetta, rolled out to the river, made out, and somewhere down the line they eventually fucked.

I'm sure your serendipitous narrative is vastly different from the one I just shared but trust me, the statutory predator laws have taken into account that dudes like you will be compelled to think that the rules don't apply to scenarios as special or as magical as yours.

It's unreasonable for me to expect you to be a fully matured adult at your age, but lets dwell on some of your characteristics which are in need of improvement.

First off, you're 20 and hanging out with 15 year olds.
Second, you think you are a nice-enough guy to keep your intentions pure towards this girl, which leads me to believe that you're not yet confident enough to compete within your own peer group.

Where you might think your integrity will shine through, I'm willing to bet this is your first real test of integrity and you're setting yourself up for failure.

After 3 months you'll have found some way to convince yourself that your integrity will remain in tact, because you're a good guy and shit is feeling real. Then you'll spend the next 3 months easing her into sex and once you've surpassad that milestone you'll find yourself in a full-blown, adult relationship with a 15 year old girl.

Relationships between stupid 15 year old girls and 20 year old pariahs are predisposed to abuse when low self confidence collides with a severe lack of experience in love, trust and consideration. In short, she'll drive you crazy bra.

Consider the additional risks of familial strife and teenage pregnancy and PRESTO: the spirit of the law applies as much as the letter.

My advice to you: Finish last, or grow some balls, but leave gaming the system to the bastards who slip shit in girls' drinks.

Where Did Love Go?

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- sick of this one liner superficial kind of love -BlahBlahBlah- I soooo sick of hearing things like, "she's just not that into you." -BlahBlahBlah- texting someone to break up with them -BlahBlahBlah- all of the self help relationship BS books -BlahBlahBlah- Excuse me but I think people have been falling in love for centuries before all of -BlahBlahBlah- What ever happened to love that was so romantic and passionate that Shakespear, EE Cummings, and William Blake -BlahBlahBlah- When did love become about as poienient and long as a beer commercial. What about actually having some BALLS and risking something on someone worth it?

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Oh Fucking Shut Up. Sonnets are just SONNETS and the ambiguity of the language allows you to create in your head a love that doesn't exist or - at best - doesn't exist for very long. Additionally William Blake was a man of reverence (before fucking in cars ever existed) so consider yourself somewhat removed from the feelings which could exist between he and those he loved.

Why are there so many books about relationships and love? Because they sell... just like Shakespeare et al. And the people who buy those books are the same people who forget that Romeo and Juliet were pubescent CHILDREN and think that reading self help books on love will help them achieve some fictional, eternal bliss. Love takes time and patients and, most importantly, self esteem. But in 200 years people will be reading our self help books from today and whine about how people in the 21st century were so lucky to have love all figured out.

My advice to you: Keep your next 3-day spurt of white-hot love from burning out by forming a suicide pact.