Mom is Trippin' Over Stupid Shit

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- My mom choked me, now my neck is swollen because she asked me if I learned my lesson from going to my Former Sr. Pastor's house -BlahBlahBlah- She was mad that I almost had my Sr. Pastor's son drive to my home -BlahBlahBlah- My mom hates him (Ty) because he said "Damn what the hell" to me because I tapped him on the shoulder during church service -BlahBlahBlah- she hates him; Because he said he loved me, and my sister recorded me dancing, and you can see him staring at me (I danced for my church as well with a studio.) She saw it, and it made her upset. I think it's because he's white and I'm black -BlahBlahBlah- She said if I don't act better she's sending me to the military prep school, And not letting me graduate until 2013; I don't care-BlahBlahBlah- I like the Army. -BlahBlahBlah- My sister made a habit of cussing out girls she did not know like on a fashion version of face-book from the ages of 14-17 -BlahBlahBlah- She gets anything she asks without working. Not complaining, just want to know what to do. -BlahBlahBlah-



Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Sometimes moms choke their kids. It's not right... it just is.

Call CPS if you're feeling threatened.

Your sister isn't the pretty one, which is why she seems to get away with everything.

Your mom doesn't hate your former pastor's son because he's white.

Your mom probably knows the dirt that turned your former pastor into your FORMER pastor, and she hates his son because he's likely to get you pregnant.

The smart money will bet that you've probably been raised to be terrified of sex.

The reason your mom's iron fist seems so unjust is because she can't just sit down and say "look, I've been watching men leer at you since you were 12, so my number one mission is to keep you off the dick."

Your mom has the good sense to know that she needs to keep her actions and her motives completely disconnected so that you don't have that realization that your booty is as coveted as she fears.

The moment you mix the realization that you're stacked, with the concept that sex might be terrific, you -simply by default- will be waste deep in a world, hell-bent on tricking you into thinking that you can qualify/quantify your self worth by letting a fool hit it.



My advice to you: Apply to the air force, with the navy as your fall back.

Ultimatum: Bro's vs. Ho's

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my roommate -BlahBlahBlah- his oldest friend was dying and her last wish was to get married and walk down the aisle as a bride-BlahBlahBlah- no honeymoon or bachelor party, the girl just asked her oldest friend, my roommate, to be the one to stand with her at the alter before she passed. My roommate being the good guy he is agreed. My roommate also has girlfriend who -BlahBlahBlah- supported him for doing a good deed for a friend.

-BlahBlahBlah- last night my fiance calls me around about 12am -BlahBlahBlah- to ask me if i knew my roommate had a girlfriend at the time he got married to his friend. -BlahBlahBlah- my fiance errupts over how it was wrong of him to do that, and that he is a bad influence on me for doing what he did. -BlahBlahBlah- negative influence. And gave me the ultimatum of either ' her or him.’

-BlahBlahBlah- i was disappointed in how she could be so heartless towards tony's situation -BlahBlahBlah- My fiance then begins to express how i dnt care about her feelings -BlahBlahBlah- dont respcet her feeliings and even if i disagree with her i should go along with her and not pick my roommate over her.

-BlahBlahBlah- She's currently not speaking to me -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Oh wow, a short-sighted, knee-jerk reaction goes to an argument, then to an ultimatum, then to an accusation that you don't respect her feelings.

Normally I'd blame this on her period, but she's your fiancée so we can sort of rule that out and go with the harsh reality that she's made you her bitch.

Lets review the facts:
She thinks you're easily influenced.
She thinks you should bend to her will.

She thinks you should be punished.

Come on dude, did you really propose to an audacious, judgmental turd or was the engagement her idea?

This is probably some ploy to get you to move in with her.

My advice to you: Don't talk to her for a week and she'll either cool her heels or gross you out. Either way you'll win.

The Jealous Type

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months -BlahBlahBlah- hes just been getting so jealous, -BlahBlahBlah- he dosent mind me hanging out with girls -BlahBlahBlah- Ive always been the type of person who has gotten along better with guys then girls -BlahBlahBlah- i have one guy friend in particular -BlahBlahBlah- throughout all my problems in all my relationships, he has been there for me -BlahBlahBlah- he did tell me he loved me, -BlahBlahBlah- but he knows im in a relationship, -BlahBlahBlah- my boyfriend knows i talk to him a lot. even when im with him we will text sometimes -BlahBlahBlah- argument because i wouldnt let him see my phone, he snatched it, -BlahBlahBlah- he pushed me -BlahBlahBlah- i slapped him, and then he grabbed me and pushed me again. -BlahBlahBlah- after that i had called this guy friend of mine because i was upset, and then my boyfriend came in mad and yelling stuff -BlahBlahBlah- told me not to disrespect him while im on the phone, and then snatched the phone out of my hand, grabbed me, turned me over, and started hitting me ( on my a** ) but it hurt. -BlahBlahBlah- cut on the inside of my lip, and my arms were hurting from when he grabbed me -BlahBlahBlah- he did end up apoligizing though.

-BlahBlahBlah- he said he wants to propose to me next month -BlahBlahBlah- says once we get engaged i can no longer -BlahBlahBlah- guy friends. because all they want to do is f*** me. -BlahBlahBlah- so i jsut dont think its fair. -BlahBlahBlah- anytime i do something he dosent like -BlahBlahBlah- says things like "shut the f*** up, and listen to me" and "your gonna sit there and listen" . Last night we got into a big argument, and i broke up with him. he lives about 35 min away from me and i didnt feel like driving home so i just told him i was gonna sleep downstairs on the couch. he kept coming down there and begging -BlahBlahBlah- crying -BlahBlahBlah- we ended up getting back together, but then earlier today we talked, and he was just telling me again i could no longer talk to my guy friend-BlahBlahBlah- hes so controlling and idk what to do? -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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So another smoking-hot girl, who acts as she pleases, has driven her boyfriend insane.

Girls like you only get told to act right by boyfriends. Guy-friends let you act as you please because they want to bang you. Think about it. Has that guy-friend, who's made you his long term project, ever faulted you for any of your bullshit when you were in desperate need of "support?"

Sadly, had this guy-friend possessed the balls to side with your boyfriend over an issue of you not acting right, he would have already dated you by now. (Balls breeds Value breeds Balls.)

Your boyfriend should be cool with you having guy friends. But when you run to this guy for "support," he basically just undoes hours of exhausting deliberation between you and your boyfriend because telling you "your boyfriend is wrong" is a bimbo's definition of "support."

Problems go unresolved, and your boyfriend takes offence once he starts to realize why. Every issue you've been told to make your boyfriend swallow starts to weigh him down and one day his only idea is to mar his character and spank you.

We know you lack tact because you thought it was okay to break up with your boyfriend and then crash on his couch in lieu of a 30 minute drive. If you think I'm wrong, I'll go as far as to sacrifice any chance I have to fuck you, just to get this point across; you are trifling and probably the only thing that could ever force you to grow any character is an unplanned pregnancy paid for by DSHS.

This brand of lylab ruins girls like you and has probably ruined every relationship they've "supported" you through.

My advice to you: Break up with your bf and date this lylab so that when you show him how short you actually fall of his ideals and expectations, he'll destroy himself.

Trying to Fade the Girl Next Door

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah-i was drunk with some of my new friends and had just met my new neighbor next door. i ended up getting a bj in her room and all my friends had been watching through the glass window that i had forgot to close. -BlahBlahBlah-girl is not attractive. Period. -BlahBlahBlah- since everyone already saw me hook up with her -BlahBlahBlah- might as well sleep with her for a while. -BlahBlahBlah- she tells me that her super hot gorgeous friend wants to have a threesome with me and her! -BlahBlahBlah-Its been two weeks now since she said that. Is she using her friend as leverage so that i dont leave? -BlahBlahBlah-only reason im still sleeping with her is because i want the threesome, maybe she can see that too? -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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You will never have a threesome with her super hot friend.
Lets review the facts.
You tried to impress your new friends by humiliating the girl next door with a showtime.
You've made this - not attractive - girl your booty call.
You continue to sleep with her in hopes that you'll get to have sex with a super-gorgeous girl.
For whatever reason (most likely being that you're a pariah), you're obviously not the type of guy who gets to sleep with super-gorgeous girls.

Further more, I'm inclined to believe that the only girl willing to sleep with you is this unattractive girl, next door.

Why ruin a good thing?

Seriously.

But if you insist, then let me share a story with you.

Long ago, in the suburbs, the high school lunch lady had a son who lost his virginity hanging with a crew of misfits who used to run trains on girls with low self esteem. Being that it was his first time, he was at the end of the train, which meant he got to cuddle with her while his boys smoked cigarettes in the back yard. In that magic moment, he asked her to be his girlfriend and she said "okay."

Do you see where I'm going with this?


My advice to you: Make friends with a guy who's more pathetic than you. Bring him by and talk this girl into having a threesome, where you'll play the role of the super-gorgeous one, who ups and leaves when it's finished. If they don't fall in love then serve her the tail-lights by stating that you can't allow her to come between you and your friend.

I Try but Still

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- I have been seeing this girl -BlahBlahBlah- Before her I never rarely well never dealt with woman, -BlahBlahBlah- I work with her brother a lot -BlahBlahBlah- Me and her seem to share little common interest -BlahBlahBlah- for example I take her ice skating -BlahBlahBlah- she bitched about everything -BlahBlahBlah- I took here to a concert -BlahBlahBlah- she wanted to see what I was into,-BlahBlahBlah- she bitched at waiting in line-BlahBlahBlah- it was to hot-BlahBlahBlah- we left before -BlahBlahBlah- Everything I do goes wrong -BlahBlahBlah- she has taken me dancing, I can;t dance -BlahBlahBlah- I seem to give it all I got, -BlahBlahBlah- She calls herself high maintenance and a feminist, -BlahBlahBlah- she gives me nothing for my effort -BlahBlahBlah- I not even looking for any sort of sex, but when we make out she pushes herself away within 10-15 sec -BlahBlahBlah- I have almost little experience with woman -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
--BlahBlahBlah--
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Dude, you're at level one of experience with women so you're going to have to go through the phase all us guys went through with the "high-maintenance feminists."
It's like being a young professional; you only get thrown shit clients who take a grip of work and the profit they yield will feel fruitless once you've paid off your credit cards.

At this point in your Mac-dom, the likelihood of you dating a real Feminist, or a real High-Maintenance chick are relatively remote. They only date quality guys and you are still pipping your way through the dating-to-date-even-though-if-she-were-a-dude-I-would-only-put-up-with-him-at-the-poker-table mode.

The high-maintenance feminist is known to cripple guys as green as you. The "high-maintenance" bull shit is just a ploy for you to bend over backwards and the "feminist," bit is going to be the justification for why you'll feel unfulfilled throughout the entire relationship.

The only reason why she went out with you is because she's been getting crushes on her brother's friends since she was 11. The only reason she continues to date you is so she can have the option of I'm-not-a-slut sex, and I stress the word option.

Seriously dude, the way this girl feels about you is going to be on par with the way a girl feels about a fake ID.

My advice to you: Do your hardest to get into her pants and leave with what you learned from that pursuit.