Stringing Her Along

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I met my ex about 3 months ago, -BlahBlahBlah- I was pasty and was a little overweight. I was nice to her, I just didn't make her a priority. -BlahBlahBlah- I didn't take her on a lot of dates, never bought her flowers or chocolate and never gave her anything. -BlahBlahBlah- We'd have sex a lot and she made the comment that we spend too much time in the bedroom. The week before we broke up we seemed fine -BlahBlahBlah- She started crying after she told me she wanted to break up. -BlahBlahBlah- It's ben two weeks since we last spoke but yesterday I sent her a -BlahBlahBlah- coffee as friends. She was a little flirty and then said "yeah that sounds good :)". -BlahBlahBlah- I've lost 21 pounds since she saw me last, am tan and am willing to show her that I can be a good guy but I first need to finish fixing myself. -BlahBlahBlah- I want to keep her as a friend but how do I keep her from moving on??




Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Dude, I don't know if that timeline was off by several months, but that's a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time.
Congrats on the tan, brah.

I don't know if you caught this, but she dumped you because you were inattentive.
She cried when she dumped you because you failed to go "No baby, I'll try harder."

Do you really think that she'll be manipulated against her better judgement because you're thin and bronze now?

I can't say if the root of your shitty-ness is the people who surround you, or perhaps the TV that you watch, but you're a self consumed fucker, who probably can't "fix" himself in less than the 3 months that she's already waited for you.

Already knowing that she's not going to put up with your bullshit, what you need to do is juggle between your self obsession, and her need to be valued in a relationship.

My advice to you: Tell her your grandma died, and you don't want to be alone... but when you do want to be alone, tell her you need some space to grieve. She'll probably fall for that.

Late Sexual Partner Recount

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- okay me and my bf has been together for alittle over a year. -BlahBlahBlah- told me that last night that hes had sex with 5 other girls. making me the 6th. -BlahBlahBlah- when we first got together he told me hes had sex with 4 others. -BlahBlahBlah- embarrassed that he had sex with her and it was a 1 night stand. -BlahBlahBlah- im thinking how can i have sex with him again knwing that hes been inside of 5 other girls. idk. hes the only guy ive had sex with so our views on it is different. -BlahBlahBlah- should i stay with him? -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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It's not like, with girls, where every sex partner leaves a piece of themselves inside you. He's a guy, so everyone he has sex with just washes off.

Even if that's not true, he's already put his other 5 sex partners inside of you. The damage is done!


My advice to you: Make him wear a condom and pray you never encounter a stainless steel speculum (because those have been inside dozens of women).

Need to Vent About Dirt Bag BF

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I was very pregnant when we met. -BlahBlahBlah- He was caring, comforting, "most wonderful person" etc., now, suspicious behaviour, i.e. always having excuses-BlahBlahBlah- NEVER leaves cell phone out of pocket, -BlahBlahBlah- very accusatory, -BlahBlahBlah- phone records indicate daily calls upward of 15 to and from *&%^&** heroin dealer!!!!!!!! Thinks I can't see he's high, lies -BlahBlahBlah- tells my son I AM ON FLIPPING CRYSTAL METH!!!! -BlahBlahBlah- Has tried 2 brainwash me-BlahBlahBlah- tried 2 pit me against my sisters, best friend, and even my son -BlahBlahBlah- I am the only one with income, he's totally capable of working but has excuses -BlahBlahBlah- excessive and obsessive sex drive 2 the point I feel forced MANY times. -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Believe it or not, the problem isn't him, the problem is your kids.

I'm sure that sometimes you must wonder if he's only with you because you've got income. The only reason you've got income is because you've got kids.

If you get rid of your kids, then it will give him the opportunity to prove to you that he's actually with you, to be with you, and not your EBT and Section 8 subsidies.

Also, with the kids out of the house, you'll be able to dedicate more time to just the two of you.

Come on, let's face it; you already know that this guy needs to be saved and you're the only one who can fix him.



My advice to you: Get those kids out of your house and into a different home. It should be easy. I'm sure the State can help you with that. Just tell your case worker that you're caring for a drug addicted rapist, and the kids are a distraction.

Should I be the Bigger Man?

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- bad breakup with my girlfriend of three and a half years. She basically cheated on me -BlahBlahBlah- told me she wanted a break with no dating, then went on a date -BlahBlahBlah- left me for the guy. The guy is 7 years older than her and has taught her martial arts since middle school. -BlahBlahBlah- I went home for support through this, and subsequently a lot of people know the story. Now my ex, -BlahBlahBlah- is worried that word will get around to her parents in our hometown. We are both in college, she still lives at home when she's not at school, and is afraid her parents won't let her come back home or buy her the car she wants if they know. -BlahBlahBlah- My friend wants to send an anonymous letter to her parents to let them know the situation. -BlahBlahBlah-should I encourage my friend -BlahBlahBlah-



Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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That shit won't work.

Her parents will consider, no matter what, that you (the disgruntled boyfriend) could be the one sending the letter. Even having the parents assume that someone sent it on your behalf is going to discredit the letter.

Here's how the post letter conversation will go: "Hey, did you cheat on your boyfriend?"
"No! He thinks I did because he made it impossible for me to break up with him."
"It says here, you're also dating your Karate instructor."
"... ... I... I... I didn't feel safe," and then she'll pretend to cry.

For this letter to be effective, your only real option is to write it in the voice of a concerned party who's noticed that their daughter is dating her karate instructor. Being that no one cares when they see a Karate instructor eating dinner with his student, you'll have to lie about witnessing them car-fucking or something equally as scandalous, otherwise who gives a shit?

When it comes to lying in the letter, I highly advise you go with the car-fucking lie. Then, if her dad still gets her a new car, he'll get her a 2-seater so she can't fuck in it.

The chances of it actually working are not that great, but one thing is for certain, it's a total bitch move.



My advice to you: Grow some balls and take the highroad. Enroll in this dude's Karate class. If he turns you away, you still win and it will drive her crazy. It's a business decision so he's likely to take the bait. Then one day, you might get the chance to kick his ass and take his title... right in front of her.

Ultimatum: Bro's vs. Ho's

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my roommate -BlahBlahBlah- his oldest friend was dying and her last wish was to get married and walk down the aisle as a bride-BlahBlahBlah- no honeymoon or bachelor party, the girl just asked her oldest friend, my roommate, to be the one to stand with her at the alter before she passed. My roommate being the good guy he is agreed. My roommate also has girlfriend who -BlahBlahBlah- supported him for doing a good deed for a friend.

-BlahBlahBlah- last night my fiance calls me around about 12am -BlahBlahBlah- to ask me if i knew my roommate had a girlfriend at the time he got married to his friend. -BlahBlahBlah- my fiance errupts over how it was wrong of him to do that, and that he is a bad influence on me for doing what he did. -BlahBlahBlah- negative influence. And gave me the ultimatum of either ' her or him.’

-BlahBlahBlah- i was disappointed in how she could be so heartless towards tony's situation -BlahBlahBlah- My fiance then begins to express how i dnt care about her feelings -BlahBlahBlah- dont respcet her feeliings and even if i disagree with her i should go along with her and not pick my roommate over her.

-BlahBlahBlah- She's currently not speaking to me -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Oh wow, a short-sighted, knee-jerk reaction goes to an argument, then to an ultimatum, then to an accusation that you don't respect her feelings.

Normally I'd blame this on her period, but she's your fiancée so we can sort of rule that out and go with the harsh reality that she's made you her bitch.

Lets review the facts:
She thinks you're easily influenced.
She thinks you should bend to her will.

She thinks you should be punished.

Come on dude, did you really propose to an audacious, judgmental turd or was the engagement her idea?

This is probably some ploy to get you to move in with her.

My advice to you: Don't talk to her for a week and she'll either cool her heels or gross you out. Either way you'll win.

Why Doesn't My Boyfriend Want to Go Out?

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah-So my question is, is this domestic down time really the most favorite style of being with a woman. Or is it that it takes the least amount of effort , cheapest and most relaxing? It`s not that I expect to be entertained all of the time, but once in a while doing something is nice, and it seems to be like pulling teeth with alot of guys. They seem to just want to chill at home.

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Look, the endless pursuit of pussy puts single guys in an awful situation. We're practically forced to go to the places where you like to go, and you don't even notice that we show up. Then you cut in front of us in line to order your fruity, 7-minute drinks, and then the fucker who let you cut gets tipped for taking the cap off my $4 beer.

While you're there having a good time with your friends, we're fucking miserable. We can't even chat with each other because your slut jams are too loud to yell over, yet we remain convinced that going to these places is worth the risk of a D.U.I.

And what do we have to show for all of this? A hang-over, fast-food trash and an over-draft fee.

Regardless of how much we go out, we end up meeting you. And then we get dragged out by buddies to the same stupid places you like to go - and no longer wrapped up in the hunt - we realize that we'd be having more fun at home with you, tickling your left foot, while your right foot throws kicks at our face.

So, post this revelation, it's decided that going out is literally worse than a kick in the fucking face!

Had you attempted to match HALF the efforts we put in - before we even met you - you probably wouldn't suck so bad at Xbox.

My advice to you: If you want to go out, then do a better job of selling us on it.