He's Making Me Feel Self Conscious

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my boyfriend is allowing a few people to have a mardi gras party at his roommates and his house. -BlahBlahBlah- He said that he wants to be the doorman and girls can't get in unless they "show him their tits." -BlahBlahBlah- since then he keeps saying "the more boobs the better." -BlahBlahBlah- makes me feel terribly self conscious. -BlahBlahBlah- Am I completely wrong for being upset about this? Or am I being too jealous? -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-

PS I'm not fat or ugly -BlahBlahBlah-

http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b360/xX_afi_chik_Xx/DSCN0116.jpg

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Did you pick that fucking picture to give me an idea of your breast size, or do you always bust out the camera and duck-face in tit shirts?

I'm sure you've asked your tit mongering boyfriend to be more respectful of you, but he knows he doesn't really have to listen to you.

What are you gonna do? Leave?

Your self esteem is so shot that you qualify yourself with post scripts!

"PS I'm not fat [nor] ugly. [here's a pic of me duck-facing in a tit shirt.]"

What's the process of thought behind that? That if you were fat and/or ugly that you'd be deserving of this shit?

I'm not talking to the fucking lylab guys when I say this... But, here's a shout-out to all the solid dudes out there who got dismissed simply for liking a girl who said to herself "that guy seems like he likes me, which probably means he's a creep, because only a creep would like me because I suck."

Duck-face, don't you see that tit mongering d-bags wouldn't have been able to procreate had their mates possessed a healthier self esteem?

You really need to come up with more descriptors of yourself, beyond The Not Fat [nor] Ugly, Duck-Facing, Tit Shirt Girl.

My advice to you: Bone a different dude. I know that sounds like a trashy move, but you're not going to grow with your current boyfriend so you're already pointed in the bone a different dude direction; just wrap it up and get out of there. You'll probably find the different dude refreshing too.

The Jealous Type

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months -BlahBlahBlah- hes just been getting so jealous, -BlahBlahBlah- he dosent mind me hanging out with girls -BlahBlahBlah- Ive always been the type of person who has gotten along better with guys then girls -BlahBlahBlah- i have one guy friend in particular -BlahBlahBlah- throughout all my problems in all my relationships, he has been there for me -BlahBlahBlah- he did tell me he loved me, -BlahBlahBlah- but he knows im in a relationship, -BlahBlahBlah- my boyfriend knows i talk to him a lot. even when im with him we will text sometimes -BlahBlahBlah- argument because i wouldnt let him see my phone, he snatched it, -BlahBlahBlah- he pushed me -BlahBlahBlah- i slapped him, and then he grabbed me and pushed me again. -BlahBlahBlah- after that i had called this guy friend of mine because i was upset, and then my boyfriend came in mad and yelling stuff -BlahBlahBlah- told me not to disrespect him while im on the phone, and then snatched the phone out of my hand, grabbed me, turned me over, and started hitting me ( on my a** ) but it hurt. -BlahBlahBlah- cut on the inside of my lip, and my arms were hurting from when he grabbed me -BlahBlahBlah- he did end up apoligizing though.

-BlahBlahBlah- he said he wants to propose to me next month -BlahBlahBlah- says once we get engaged i can no longer -BlahBlahBlah- guy friends. because all they want to do is f*** me. -BlahBlahBlah- so i jsut dont think its fair. -BlahBlahBlah- anytime i do something he dosent like -BlahBlahBlah- says things like "shut the f*** up, and listen to me" and "your gonna sit there and listen" . Last night we got into a big argument, and i broke up with him. he lives about 35 min away from me and i didnt feel like driving home so i just told him i was gonna sleep downstairs on the couch. he kept coming down there and begging -BlahBlahBlah- crying -BlahBlahBlah- we ended up getting back together, but then earlier today we talked, and he was just telling me again i could no longer talk to my guy friend-BlahBlahBlah- hes so controlling and idk what to do? -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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So another smoking-hot girl, who acts as she pleases, has driven her boyfriend insane.

Girls like you only get told to act right by boyfriends. Guy-friends let you act as you please because they want to bang you. Think about it. Has that guy-friend, who's made you his long term project, ever faulted you for any of your bullshit when you were in desperate need of "support?"

Sadly, had this guy-friend possessed the balls to side with your boyfriend over an issue of you not acting right, he would have already dated you by now. (Balls breeds Value breeds Balls.)

Your boyfriend should be cool with you having guy friends. But when you run to this guy for "support," he basically just undoes hours of exhausting deliberation between you and your boyfriend because telling you "your boyfriend is wrong" is a bimbo's definition of "support."

Problems go unresolved, and your boyfriend takes offence once he starts to realize why. Every issue you've been told to make your boyfriend swallow starts to weigh him down and one day his only idea is to mar his character and spank you.

We know you lack tact because you thought it was okay to break up with your boyfriend and then crash on his couch in lieu of a 30 minute drive. If you think I'm wrong, I'll go as far as to sacrifice any chance I have to fuck you, just to get this point across; you are trifling and probably the only thing that could ever force you to grow any character is an unplanned pregnancy paid for by DSHS.

This brand of lylab ruins girls like you and has probably ruined every relationship they've "supported" you through.

My advice to you: Break up with your bf and date this lylab so that when you show him how short you actually fall of his ideals and expectations, he'll destroy himself.

She'd Like to Hear Something Nice

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- like to think I say nice things to my girlfriend often -BlahBlahBlah- Sometimes she’ll text me asking for something nice -BlahBlahBlah- it’s never good enough -BlahBlahBlah- confused -BlahBlahBlah- today she texted me and asked for me to say something nice -BlahBlahBlah- she’d call me later. -BlahBlahBlah- how do I -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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This is a trap. If you read her texts requesting you to say something nice about her, and you go "fuck, what's the perfect thing I can say?" or "does she want me to text it to her?" or "shit - she's not picking up - should I leave a voice mail?" that's your intuition telling you that you're already screwed.

The fact she doesn't melt over bare minimum effort leads me to believe that you probably do say nice things to her, often. If she's truly starved for attention then she'll either dump you or lick clean the plate upon which you serve her your atta-girls.

Behind that text is the true message which goes something like "I've been auditing our digital interactions and I've noticed that I leave more comments on your facebook than you leave on mine."

What's more is that she didn't just trip over this data and merely notice the trend. She was already fussy and she decided to hunt this info down. She also probably skewed the data with made up rules such as: "I love you too, baby;" shows lack of initiative, and "Hope you have a great day;" is too cliche.

Regardless, if you think that clarifying the situation, with evidence proving otherwise, will make her feel better; It Fucking Won't!

So how do you negotiate this?

Flowery words like enchanting: Out of character.

Cute and funny: Insincere.

Reminiscent: Why only when she asks?

Throw another example up there and I'm sure I'll be able to shoot it down with my girl gun.

Why do girls do this? Who fucking cares; if there is a solution, you'll never think to bring it up when she's not already fussing, thus it will never get fixed (unless nagging comes naturally to you).

My advice to you: Save your A material for red-wine dining and the next time this comes up, float her something from the B pile so she can sink it and take a big shit on you. Then wait a day and email her something cute that you made in MS Paint.

He Shouldn't Have Kissed Me

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- My Best Friend and i went to the movies and i told him i got back with my ex -BlahBlahBlah- then we were watching the movie and he's poking and tickling me and then he kisses me and i dont know what to do , i wanna talk to him about but i dont know what to say cause i get so shy around him.. help -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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So you went on a date with a guy that thought you were single. You told him you were not single. Then you cheated on your boyfriend.

Bravo Skank.

I roll my eyes at your prioritizing. You'd sooner cheat on your boyfriend then yell "Stop creep," in a theater. That must have been the longest tickle session of your life.

My favorite part is that you think there's some magical phrase you can say to this guy to get your cake back.

Try this phrase on for size: "Hey lylab*, I know you don't respect me, nor my boyfriend, and that's all fine and good, but when you tongue raped my mouth, it conflicted with the roll that I assigned you in my sexless fantasy of always wanting a brother who doesn't make fun of me for things like having boobs, pretending to cry or eating cottage cheese directly from the container. So lets not tell my boyfriend that we kissed, and you and I can resume our relationship as brother and sister... who've made out once."

My advice to you: Treat men better.

Break Up Double Take

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- dated a man for 4 months -BlahBlahBlah- going perfect -BlahBlahBlah- then I started sensing him pulling away. -BlahBlahBlah- I broke up with him a tex message he didn't call me that night. -BlahBlahBlah- just ended 15 year marriage -BlahBlahBlah- if a man really likes a women wouldn't he have called me that night to try & talk things through ? -BlahBlahBlah- if he really cared about me & had feelings for me like he said he did wouldn't he be with me now ? -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
--BlahBlahBlah--
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I guess a guy should fight for the woman he loves... but what guy would love you? You're old, you're grammatically retarded and you text-message-break-up guys to test them.

I hope you poured your heart and soul into that text message. And, I hope he's shown the message to all of his friends.

My advice to you: Tadpol-ing. Guys under the age of 21 will put up with all sorts of shit and all you have to give them is a steady stream of fuck.

Friend Dump

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- this fucking Bitch that I treated like gold -BlahBlahBlah- her boyfriend turned us against each other and he was supposed to be my friend. -BlahBlahBlah- she won't even read my emails or texts -BlahBlahBlah- She took him back 4 times -BlahBlahBlah- lied to her, stole from her, and did heroin. -BlahBlahBlah- Another guy left her in the most dangerous spot in Philadelphia -BlahBlahBlah- to get high -BlahBlahBlah- I had to go pick her up and she took him back -BlahBlahBlah- I'm the genuine friend -BlahBlahBlah- loyal, -BlahBlahBlah- there for her -BlahBlahBlah- and she won't even listen to my side -BlahBlahBlah- I will never be nice to a woman again as long as I live -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
--BlahBlahBlah--
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There are different kinds of Lylabs. The most common is the guy who gets lylabed by a girl who puts every guy into the friend zone.

You're the type of Lylab whom stupid girls can shit on while they use their vaginas to pursue unrequited love.

You've become that type of Lylab because you're worthless.
You're worthless because, had you done all that nice shit for a friend, you wouldn't be writing off women, you'd just be writing off that friend. See, she wasn't really a friend, she was some girl whom you were trying to get with.

My advice to you: Stop being a bitch and go get your own girlfriend.

Good Friend has Horrible BF

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- i get a call almost once a week -BlahBlahBlah- about how her BF has done something crappy agian,-BlahBlahBlah- She says he is usually sweet and nice, ive never seen it -BlahBlahBlah- he makes good money and all but i cant see her dating him for that. -BlahBlahBlah- back story -BlahBlahBlah- My question is even though i would not mund dating her i would just like her to date someone that she is happy with period, how can i get/help her move on to someone else? -BlahBlahBlah- she keeps going back. -BlahBlahBlah- stereotypical girl -BlahBlahBlah- dating guys that are just flat out douche bags -BlahBlahBlah- why do women stay with horrible guys?

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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You can call him a douche bag, but I'm betting there's only a few differences between him and you:
she's fucking him,
when she goes to him for vindication he has ALL the facts,
and when he talks to her about the relationship, he's not hoping they'll break up.

Once you get a little Stank on your Hanglow you'll quickly realize that you're also a douche bag. And once you join our club, you'll say what we all say.
"I'm not a douche bag, I just value myself and now girls want to suck my dick."

My advice to you: Take his side when she calls and maybe you'll finally get a taste of the whiney fucking fury which girlfriends harbor for guys who have grown tired of pretending to be wrong.

Me and My Roommate

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- 21 year old guy and I live with two girls. One of them has not been the greatest person to live with and so my other roommate and I -BlahBlahBlah-we have become pretty close and cherish our time together without the other roommate -BlahBlahBlah- ice cream, play mini golf, go to movies, go out to eat -BlahBlahBlah- setting up a tent in our living room -BlahBlahBlah- spend the nights in the tent sharing a single mattress -BlahBlahBlah- long conversations before going to sleep -BlahBlahBlah- usually about our sexual lives -BlahBlahBlah- I'm the only one she has talked to about such things. Is she coming on to me or is she just my best friend? I could easily live either way. -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Hate for the LFR (Least Favorite Roommate) is the greatest way to grow close with another roommate. But you're still her Lylab (loves you like a brother).
I'm hesitant to believe that you are totally indifferent to this, because you're ASKING "If."

So, if you really do want to F your roommate, and you're all about being an indentured BF and skipping the whole "What are we," phase, and having to find a new place to live if you meet someone else and possibly enter into an endless cycle of one rushed move-in relationship to another, then okay.

My advice to you: Band together and subject the LFR to subtle pranks until you can kick it up to M-bating on the LFR's bed (for sport) and see if she gives off any signals.

Shouldn't He Be Willing to Do the Things I Like if He Likes Me?

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Dear Right Advice,
If you really liked a woman -BlahBlahBlah- be willing to do things with her once in a while that may not be your FAVORITE thing to do -BlahBlahBlah- Just simple things like going to the mall, or seeing a chic flick, watching a stupid reality show -BlahBlahBlah- but you know she finds it interesting? -BlahBlahBlah- its what they like and would make them happy? Isnt is sometimes just the little things?

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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If girls like you were sending me money, I'd say that this sort of thing should be a give and take. But realistically speaking: you and I can both agree that you don't know shit about what guys like to do, nor do you care to learn.

Usually when a guy does girly shit with you, it's so he can increase his odds of sleeping with you by spending time with you. If you're already sleeping with him, then these "Simple things" will just seem like work. Unrequited efforts.

Every guy has already been down that road with some girl and all it's done is make him hate your stupid "Simple things," even more. This is not a gender divide. We actually resent having to be your bitch for a (unbirth)day, to prove we like you; because, seriously, where's the payoff?
Are you actually going to set aside two hours for him so you can go shoot bottle rockets at each other?

What's more, do you know why he never asks that you partake in HIS "Simple things?" Because girls girl up guy stuff and make it suck. Most things, that guys like to do, get done alone and if you think that you can fill in for another guy and Pitch, or Steer, or Row, or Lift, you're just going to get yelled at... until you quit, and then he's going to have to apologize.

My advice to you: Go make some girl friends.

Where Did Love Go?

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- sick of this one liner superficial kind of love -BlahBlahBlah- I soooo sick of hearing things like, "she's just not that into you." -BlahBlahBlah- texting someone to break up with them -BlahBlahBlah- all of the self help relationship BS books -BlahBlahBlah- Excuse me but I think people have been falling in love for centuries before all of -BlahBlahBlah- What ever happened to love that was so romantic and passionate that Shakespear, EE Cummings, and William Blake -BlahBlahBlah- When did love become about as poienient and long as a beer commercial. What about actually having some BALLS and risking something on someone worth it?

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Oh Fucking Shut Up. Sonnets are just SONNETS and the ambiguity of the language allows you to create in your head a love that doesn't exist or - at best - doesn't exist for very long. Additionally William Blake was a man of reverence (before fucking in cars ever existed) so consider yourself somewhat removed from the feelings which could exist between he and those he loved.

Why are there so many books about relationships and love? Because they sell... just like Shakespeare et al. And the people who buy those books are the same people who forget that Romeo and Juliet were pubescent CHILDREN and think that reading self help books on love will help them achieve some fictional, eternal bliss. Love takes time and patients and, most importantly, self esteem. But in 200 years people will be reading our self help books from today and whine about how people in the 21st century were so lucky to have love all figured out.

My advice to you: Keep your next 3-day spurt of white-hot love from burning out by forming a suicide pact.