Stringing Her Along

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I met my ex about 3 months ago, -BlahBlahBlah- I was pasty and was a little overweight. I was nice to her, I just didn't make her a priority. -BlahBlahBlah- I didn't take her on a lot of dates, never bought her flowers or chocolate and never gave her anything. -BlahBlahBlah- We'd have sex a lot and she made the comment that we spend too much time in the bedroom. The week before we broke up we seemed fine -BlahBlahBlah- She started crying after she told me she wanted to break up. -BlahBlahBlah- It's ben two weeks since we last spoke but yesterday I sent her a -BlahBlahBlah- coffee as friends. She was a little flirty and then said "yeah that sounds good :)". -BlahBlahBlah- I've lost 21 pounds since she saw me last, am tan and am willing to show her that I can be a good guy but I first need to finish fixing myself. -BlahBlahBlah- I want to keep her as a friend but how do I keep her from moving on??




Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Dude, I don't know if that timeline was off by several months, but that's a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time.
Congrats on the tan, brah.

I don't know if you caught this, but she dumped you because you were inattentive.
She cried when she dumped you because you failed to go "No baby, I'll try harder."

Do you really think that she'll be manipulated against her better judgement because you're thin and bronze now?

I can't say if the root of your shitty-ness is the people who surround you, or perhaps the TV that you watch, but you're a self consumed fucker, who probably can't "fix" himself in less than the 3 months that she's already waited for you.

Already knowing that she's not going to put up with your bullshit, what you need to do is juggle between your self obsession, and her need to be valued in a relationship.

My advice to you: Tell her your grandma died, and you don't want to be alone... but when you do want to be alone, tell her you need some space to grieve. She'll probably fall for that.

Creepy, Leering Neighbor

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah-There's a man who lives in my building, who is much older (15 years, maybe more), who I'm not attracted to at all -BlahBlahBlah- A little while ago, some neighbors were talking, -BlahBlahBlah-They introduced me to him. . -BlahBlahBlah- a couple of weeks later, I'm doing my laundry at the laundromat, I can feel someone staring at me. It's the same older man. .he continues grinning like an idiot at me, and trying to get me to look at him. -BlahBlahBlah-I quickly looked away, -BlahBlahBlah-I didn't even look at him as he was talking to me, and hurried out. -BlahBlahBlah- a couple of days ago, as I'm leaving my apartment -BlahBlahBlah- I hear this voice, and it's him, trying to strike up conversation with me. Once I saw who it was, I quickly looked away, and walked as fast as I could. -BlahBlahBlah- This man can't seem to get the clue that I'm not interested. -BlahBlahBlah- This man gives me the creeps. -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Look, I get it. Our patriarchal, rape culture imposes upon women the insistence that you should all keep your head on a swivel just in case you might accidentally give off hints that you're asking for it because creepy men are forgivably enslaved by their uncontrollable libidos.

But if you liberate yourself from this oppressive mind set, what this boils down to is that this stalker-ish man is just an asshole with bad manners.

In the realm of rigid gender roles, you're perfectly within your right to seize your role and alert this guy to the fact that he's being fucking rude.

It's rude to stare.

Are you that fucking afraid that some creep is going to accuse you of being a lesbian? Come the fuck on!



My advice to you: Give him a manners check. It's not getting uppity... it's acting "ladylike."

How Could I Have Defended Her Honor?

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I was walking back from weights class w/ my girlfriend right before we go to locker rooms. -BlahBlahBlah- Another kid in my class yells to me in a joking way, "hey dont bother with (name), she's s***ing my d*ck first." -BlahBlahBlah- I'm not sure what my reaction should be to this. I dont want to overreact, but its still harrassment to me and her even if jokingly. -BlahBlahBlah- I just want to say something to kind of come back, not just ignore or fake a laugh. -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Whoa! That kid punked you three times over. He dissed your girlfriend, emasculated you, and then proved that you won't do shit.

If he had punked you once a day for three days, would you still have acted like a little bitch on the 3rd day?

Honestly you probably handled it the right way. It's not uncommon for a girl to get dissed, then get mad at her boyfriend for "acting all scary," after he tries to do something about it.

Moving forward, I'd like to suggest that you opt for aggressive, homo-erotic statements. I know that saying anything "gay," in high school, could seem like an overt invitation for more ridicule, but times have changed.

It's sort of cool to be hetero-blurry now, and if you can't handle the repercussions, just involve an adult by saying you're the target of hate crimes AND sexual harassment.

In this situation you could have responded with "Actually, she's planning to make You suck My dick."

If that would not have ended it with laughs, then you could have followed that up with "Let's see if you got jokes when I'm fucking you in the street."

Something you should know about daytime guy-fights, at least the ones that aren't planned in advance, is that most often the parties involved are hoping the fight will be broken up before anyone's pride gets hurt. Furthermore, anyone who knows how to fight will not pick a fight because either they're disciplined (martial arts style) or they know they'll be facing severe consequences (prior offenses wise).

If random shit talking turns into a scrap, you're basically walking into wild punches and some sloppy ground fighting. If you play the prison-daddy card, then you can avoid that shit. It's easy to block punches when you're not trying to punch, and it's easy to keep your balance when you're not shooting for a take-down. Just roll in quick, hold him close, hold him tight and keep saying "Kiss me bitch."

Try not to do this more than once at the same school, though.

And keep in mind that you're running the risk of "acting all scary" in front of your girlfriend.

My advice to you: If you're with your girlfriend and you're not sure how to respond to a shit talker, then keep them talking until she gives you a cue.

I'm Attracted to my Stepfather

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- I am 20 years old and my mother recently got married to a man who is 35 -BlahBlahBlah- he is very handsome. She is 39 and I was so happy for her. -BlahBlahBlah- We are very close and I came to her wedding a few months ago. -BlahBlahBlah- she had to go on a business -BlahBlahBlah- left us in Florida to take care of her home and pets. We got way too close and ended up having sex -BlahBlahBlah- I tried to stop it but the sexual tension made me keep going. -BlahBlahBlah- We promised each other it wouldn't happen again for her sake. The problem is 8 days have passed and I can't stop thinking about him or it. -BlahBlahBlah- I am attracted to my step-father and he won't stop looking at me. We even shared a kiss last night while my mother was taking a shower-BlahBlahBlah- I don't what to break her heart so I just think I need to move far away. -BlahBlahBlah- What should I do? -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Wow, you really fucked your mom over.

The concept that "sexual tension" defeated you is - and always will be - total bullshit. If you cling to that as an excuse, then even if you move far away, you'll still be fucking him on x-mas or whenever you come to town for a visit.

Now, if you feel bad for your mom, one of two things is going to have to occur in your brain. Either your subconscious will go "I'm a shitty, slutty girl who couldn't keep my legs closed and wrecked my mom's marriage," (and trust me that's not likely to happen) or your subconscious will go "I did this because, looking back, I had good reason to do it and my mom sorta deserved it."

Let your attraction to this guy - who went through with fucking his wife's daughter - indicate which method your subconscious has chosen to process this.

If you're willing to overlook how shitty of a husband this guy is, just think how easy it will be for your mom to place the blame on you for home-wrecking.

Either way, both you ladies are perfectly complacent with this asshole in your lives. Lets not be too worried about the integrity of the marriage and lets focus on your relationship with your mom.

If she finds out, you won't be any better off.

If you keep fucking her husband, you won't be any better off.

My advice to you: Keep your mouth shut, hate the guy who has been reckless with TWO relationships, and use anything but your pussy to drive a wedge between he and your mom.

Ultimatum: Bro's vs. Ho's

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- my roommate -BlahBlahBlah- his oldest friend was dying and her last wish was to get married and walk down the aisle as a bride-BlahBlahBlah- no honeymoon or bachelor party, the girl just asked her oldest friend, my roommate, to be the one to stand with her at the alter before she passed. My roommate being the good guy he is agreed. My roommate also has girlfriend who -BlahBlahBlah- supported him for doing a good deed for a friend.

-BlahBlahBlah- last night my fiance calls me around about 12am -BlahBlahBlah- to ask me if i knew my roommate had a girlfriend at the time he got married to his friend. -BlahBlahBlah- my fiance errupts over how it was wrong of him to do that, and that he is a bad influence on me for doing what he did. -BlahBlahBlah- negative influence. And gave me the ultimatum of either ' her or him.’

-BlahBlahBlah- i was disappointed in how she could be so heartless towards tony's situation -BlahBlahBlah- My fiance then begins to express how i dnt care about her feelings -BlahBlahBlah- dont respcet her feeliings and even if i disagree with her i should go along with her and not pick my roommate over her.

-BlahBlahBlah- She's currently not speaking to me -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Oh wow, a short-sighted, knee-jerk reaction goes to an argument, then to an ultimatum, then to an accusation that you don't respect her feelings.

Normally I'd blame this on her period, but she's your fiancée so we can sort of rule that out and go with the harsh reality that she's made you her bitch.

Lets review the facts:
She thinks you're easily influenced.
She thinks you should bend to her will.

She thinks you should be punished.

Come on dude, did you really propose to an audacious, judgmental turd or was the engagement her idea?

This is probably some ploy to get you to move in with her.

My advice to you: Don't talk to her for a week and she'll either cool her heels or gross you out. Either way you'll win.

Neighbor's Dog

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- heed the old saying that you "can't pick em". I could use some great advice regarding their dog. -BlahBlahBlah- RIGHT below our bedroom windows. When in the dog run, this dog barks, and barks and -BlahBlahBlah- 6AM -BlahBlahBlah- 11PM -BlahBlahBlah- I asked sincerely if they could possibly move their dog run to the other side of their house (where they have loads of room). They stated "Absolutely not! This side of the house has shade, that the dog requires in the summer." -BlahBlahBlah- Although I'm not looking to be close, I'd like to be cordial. -BlahBlahBlah- barking collar -BlahBlahBlah- quite certain they would take offense -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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I'd suggest coaxing the dog to jump the fence so he'll hang himself by his own leash. The next best method would be to poison the dog, but that could lead back to you. Of course you could always make the dog disappear and leave it to some kids down river to find its bloated body in a burlap sack on the banks. When I was a kid, I knew a family whose beagle met the same fate, however, now that I'm grown I realize that it wasn't that they happened to live near evil people, but that they - themselves - were merely retarded dog owners.

If you had a fraction of the balls required to snuff out a dog, you probably would have used said fraction to call the authorities because THERE ARE LAWS in place which protect your rights to quiet space.

Sadly you'd prefer to abandon your dignity and enable the audacious alpha-neighbor because you think you can keep a peace that is long fucking gone. The fact is, you have a shitty neighbor who has a shitty dog that makes your life hell.

Until we put children on dog runs, or until dogs stop shitting and fucking in the streets, you need to commit to the fact that dogs are not people; they are accessories. And this dog is just as invasive in your life as a flood light aimed at your bedroom window (which you would have sabotaged ages ago.)

My advice to you: Go to the bridge you wish existed and burn it.