10 Year Old Craps Her Pants

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Dear Right Advice,

-BlahBlahBlah- 10 yr old that is pottying in her pants. -BlahBlahBlah- example she went to the potty a few minutes before she went to her room, then came back out of her room and said i pooped in my pants. -BlahBlahBlah- I asked her why and she said I just did not want to get back up and go to the bathroom. i dont know what else to do -BlahBlahBlah- we tried taking things away -BlahBlahBlah- grounding her for a day -BlahBlahBlah- nothing seems to work. Its not nothing medical cause we took her to the doctor. -BlahBlahBlah- I dont know if she is just being lazy or what but its getting bad and dont know what else to do. -BlahBlahBlah- my 4 yr old is starting to pee in his pants and he has been trained since he was 2 yrs old. -BlahBlahBlah- She stays dry all day at school and at night. -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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It's hard to tell what's really going on when you approach this with the "something is wrong with HER," approach. The only thing you've successfully conveyed is that while your child is regressing, you're assing it in front of the computer with your back to the kids.

Seriously, you could've drilled google for some articles written by doctors, but instead you're online, casting for attention.

Hilariously apropos is that your Münchausen by proxy has been passed down to your kids in the form of Münchausen shit-yourself and Piss-yourself.

Shitting yourself is most often the aftermath of anal retention. Using your ass to express autonomy is pretty fucking primitive so if you're able to rule out sexual abuse and domestic violence, then lets just boil this down to a resistance of independence, probably because those whom she depends upon appear to her as not very dependable.



My advice to you: Take her to the kitchen, read her the back of a Tollhouse package, and braid her hair while you wait for the oven.

Post Virginity Anxiety

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- somewhat had sex.. -BlahBlahBlah- i was on my period and i still had a tampon in. he didnt come in me but he was precumming a little bit -BlahBlahBlah- he only got it in like an inch but it hurt too much since it was my first time so i made him stop.. -BlahBlahBlah- is there any possible way i could be pregnant?


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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If you haven't gotten around to doing so yet, remove that tampon immediately.

Teenagers are so fucking disgusting.

You know enough about sex to take pre-come seriously but condoms and tampons get overlooked?

It doesn't seem likely that a virgin - who can't even stand just-the-tip - could be so overcome with passion that she forgot to remove her tampon.
I'm also not making the connection between the girl who was too embarrassed to remove her tampon, and the girl who was able to tell her sire to stop without being manipulated into continuing.

I'm starting to sense the strong probability that the two of you concluded that the presence of a tampon rendered a condom unnecessary. And I'm not going to rule out that you sorta-fucked a teenage boy who stifled his menophobia by asking you to put a tampon in.


My advice to you: Get on OCP's and skip the placebos until you're mature enough to run a vagina responsibly.

In Love with a Younger Girl

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- I'm 20 years old and over the past few months I've been texting and hanging out with this girl -BlahBlahBlah- I've fallen in love -BlahBlahBlah- known her for a little over a year -BlahBlahBlah- I know she likes me, given the way she talks to me and acts around me. -BlahBlahBlah- She's always trying to be close to me -BlahBlahBlah- any excuse to grab my hand or hug me -BlahBlahBlah- The problem with this, she's 15 but I'm honestly in love with her -BlahBlahBlah- I want to have a relationship with her as more than friends, but given all the laws in place to catch pedophiles, I'm just not sure what to do in this situation. -BlahBlahBlah- I personally do not think it's wrong, as I'm not interested in having sex with her or anything. -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Once upon a time in the suburbs, there was a little girl who liked to walk around bare foot in the summers. By the sunny, first week of school, her feet could bare the hottest of blacktops. One school-night, just around dusk, a shard of glass took up residence in her heel and the next morning she awoke with two small cuts on the inside of her opposing ankle. That day at recess, she picked the scabs, drew blood and was excused to the nurse's office for some first aid. The attendance secretary's son was in the office that day, for he had been sent home from Jr. High for acting up. With all the excitement of blood, band-aids and a cute older boy, this little girl acquired a preoccupation with shooting hookey to get out of class in the hopes that she might run into that boy again.
Over the years of cutting class, she maintained this crush, of which he was mildly aware, and one day she worked up the nerve to buy a bag off him at the skate park. He didn't have any sacks, but he offered to smoke her out so they got into his jetta, rolled out to the river, made out, and somewhere down the line they eventually fucked.

I'm sure your serendipitous narrative is vastly different from the one I just shared but trust me, the statutory predator laws have taken into account that dudes like you will be compelled to think that the rules don't apply to scenarios as special or as magical as yours.

It's unreasonable for me to expect you to be a fully matured adult at your age, but lets dwell on some of your characteristics which are in need of improvement.

First off, you're 20 and hanging out with 15 year olds.
Second, you think you are a nice-enough guy to keep your intentions pure towards this girl, which leads me to believe that you're not yet confident enough to compete within your own peer group.

Where you might think your integrity will shine through, I'm willing to bet this is your first real test of integrity and you're setting yourself up for failure.

After 3 months you'll have found some way to convince yourself that your integrity will remain in tact, because you're a good guy and shit is feeling real. Then you'll spend the next 3 months easing her into sex and once you've surpassad that milestone you'll find yourself in a full-blown, adult relationship with a 15 year old girl.

Relationships between stupid 15 year old girls and 20 year old pariahs are predisposed to abuse when low self confidence collides with a severe lack of experience in love, trust and consideration. In short, she'll drive you crazy bra.

Consider the additional risks of familial strife and teenage pregnancy and PRESTO: the spirit of the law applies as much as the letter.

My advice to you: Finish last, or grow some balls, but leave gaming the system to the bastards who slip shit in girls' drinks.

Downgraded from BFF to Just Friend

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- I was kinda bored today and so I started to text friends, and I sent one to her:

Me: Whats up?
Her: I'm busy >:(
Me: -BlahBlahBlah- I didn't know. ttyl.
Her: Ok sara b4 u leave can i tell u something that will hurt u.
Me: Go ahead. -BlahBlahBlah-
Her: Ur not my bff srry but ur my just friend.
Me: -BlahBlahBlah- Alright I can understand that...is that it?
Her: Yes and im not ur bff ok?
Me: -BlahBlahBlah- I read it the first time XD why did u say that twice? -BlahBlahBlah-
Her: I didnt
Me: Well from the other text...oh whatever. -BlahBlahBlah-

- At this point -BlahBlahBlah- she is ignoring me. She has this one friend she went to see eclipes with, and they are close too, -BlahBlahBlah- her BFFFFFF (or whatever she calls it) is probably -BlahBlahBlah-

-BlahBlahBlah- how can I exactly feel normal again? It feels weird thinking I am just a friend to her. -BlahBlahBlah-


Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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What the fuck! When you tell someone that you're BFF's, it's forever. You can't just walk out on that.

Are you sure this isn't a Team Jacob thing?
Team Edward obviously knows the definition of forever.

But seriously, that bitch needs to be taught a lesson.
What you should do is gather up all the shit of hers that's in your room, and item by item, bring something of hers to school each day which she'll have to carry around as a reminder - to her and the whole school - of what a rotten person she is.

Also, you definitely deserve some closure.
Make sure you get it in a public place so she can't punk out and ignore you.

As far as how to get you to feel normal again,

My advice to you: Stop BFF-ing people. You're a BFF bottom, which means you'll never be any cooler than your BFF, so if you want to be popular, you're going to have to become cool on your own.

Worried About My Friend

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- My friend is worrying me. She got this app on her ipod that you can chat online. -BlahBlahBlah- She is only 11. -BlahBlahBlah- She met 3 gutys that are 15 18 and 28. -BlahBlahBlah- told them they she is 13 and that her name was payton. -BlahBlahBlah- She is getting really close to the 28 year-old. -BlahBlahBlah- They are basically doing sex online -BlahBlahBlah- What should i do? Tell her parents? If i do tell her parents She may get mad and may not want to be my friend. -BlahBlahBlah- is it worth it for her saftey? Im confused -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Are you worried that if this 28 year old guy finds out she's actually 11, things could get ugly?

Parents giving their kids unrestricted access to the internet pisses me off for 2 reasons. The main reason being that skeevy men in their late 20's are getting 11 year olds to sext them beev shots. Following that, it really pisses me off that I have to deal with this.

This post SHOULD be advising a pregnant girl to get more than child support out of her cheating boyfriend by having him put her through school before she leaves him.

Instead, I have to go with the juicy scandal of an 11 year old who knows how to masturbate.

If you're so young and stupid that you're having trouble weighing your friend's safety against her being mad at you, then imagine the judgement calls your friend will fail at when he gets a hotel room near her house.

You're too young to imagine what a 28 year old dude - with a taste for 13 year old girls - is thinking about, but lets just say that the bottom of the envelope would be him peeing in your hair.

My advice to you: Tell an adult; any adult. I'm pretty sure this guy has got a few cousins who've been leading broken lives, waiting for an opportunity to come forward.

Finding a Summer Babysitting Gig

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- im a twleve year old girl -BlahBlahBlah- lookiing for a babysitting job during the summer -BlahBlahBlah- im having a hard time trying to find one -BlahBlahBlah- what can i do?

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Put this babysitters club, kids love me, fun summer job, fantasy bullshit out of your head.

First off, nobody wants to hire you because you're a shitty little 12 year old who will be all shitty and 12 years old, and when mom gets home at 6:00 she'll walk into a house that'll look all shitty because a 12 year old was left in charge.

Hey, as a twelve year old, you might be pretty smart, but as a human you're FUCKING stupid. Like... people wise, you belong to one of the stupidest demographics on earth... 12th stupidest to be exact.

Your skills are not marketable.

My advice to you: Sex sells. (I'm talking about your advertising; don't sell your body.)

To Snitch or Not to Snitch

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- i was a witness in an arson in williamsport maryland and my friend did it and the cops keep questioning me -BlahBlahBlah- they know that i know who did it and they want me to testify -BlahBlahBlah- im only 14 -BlahBlahBlah- me my best friend and the one who did it all made a pack that we arent going to snitch -BlahBlahBlah- they both have 1000 dollar fines and the cops said that if i dont tell them theyll fine me to 1000 -BlahBlahBlah- me nor my mom have that and if she were to pay it our house will be foreclosed -BlahBlahBlah- im paranoid scared and most of all very upset because there not saying anything to the cops and still paying 1000 $ and i kno i cant just not snitch or i cant have a house -BlahBlahBlah-

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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So your ass-hole friend maliciously set fire to someone's property and now you're in deep shit.
If you're so worried about legal consequences then why are you thinking with a prison mentality?
I understand that whole thieves' code bullshit, but that's when you and your crew are making money.

The only money in this situation is the money you'll lose if you don't snitch.
Which brings me back to the prison mentality.

I'm not saying you should snitch, but I would like to point out that Fire-Bug's dad would probably love to know that what stands between a damning testimony and his son's criminal liabilities disappearing is a meager couple weeks' pay. Shit, you should kick that grand up to $1500 for the strife it's caused you.

Obviously the parents are involved if the cops are passing out fines.

Collaborate mother fucker!

If you're worried about playground drama - being branded a snitch - then kick that $1500 up to 2 grand and buy your other homie over to your side.

You just saved the fucking day!



My advice to you: Stop acting like a bitch-ass snitch and start acting like a hustler.

He's Moving to Dad's

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Dear Right Advice,
-BlahBlahBlah- single mom for the last 5 years. I'm not regretful about the breakdown of the marriage -BlahBlahBlah- my son who is almost 13 started changing into pre-teen mode. -BlahBlahBlah- everlasting debate -BlahBlahBlah- 4 weeks ago he arbitrarily decided he would like to live with his father. -BlahBlahBlah- I didn't react very well. -BlahBlahBlah- emotional rollercoaster -BlahBlahBlah- His father has not helped at all by putting his foot down specially on my weekends -BlahBlahBlah- specified in a legal agreement -BlahBlahBlah- not court appointed. I've run the gambit with what is my right and what is not. -BlahBlahBlah- Seems as though my 12 1/2 year old wins! -BlahBlahBlah- The law cannot help me -BlahBlahBlah- father just stands there and doesn't push the child to spend time with his mother. -BlahBlahBlah- juggling a stressful job, entertaining my daughter -BlahBlahBlah- seeking the support emotionally where i can. -BlahBlahBlah- son will not disclose why -BlahBlahBlah- the attitude, etc. seems to only come out when around his father.
I just feel like washing my hands of it all....problem is I fear there may be harsh consequences.
-BlahBlahBlah- have given him great affection and it seems to somehow be all wasted time.
Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
-BlahBlahBlah-
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Rest assured, your son did not thumb through your divorce decree to find a way to spite you, nor is this some competition where he wants to "win." It just so happens that the man of the house, again, wants out. "Everlasting debates," usually indicate the dominant party "washing [their] hands of it all." So obviously you have allowed a mountain of unresolved shit to pile up.

If tween-age is really to blame here, then you should appreciate your time away from the kid, because, odds are, his dad is gonna kick his ass right back over to your house.

My advice to you: Accept that the kid does not want to be around you.